CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: My husband won't let me have power of attorney
Q My husband is 79, I am 78. He has some health issues but often believes he doesn’t.
We have five children between us – he has three from a previous marriage and I have two. We see his occasionally and mine often.
We have our own business, which I inherited 40 years ago and now run as he can’t any more.
I have always worked hard and we have been very successful. However, my husband won’t let me have power of attorney, which is difficult from an administration point of view when having to provide identity documents, etc.
A 78-year-old woman is struggling to run the business she shares with her ailing husband, 79, because he won't grant her power of attorney (stock image)
I’ve no intention of taking money from his children but I can’t help wondering if he is thinking along those lines, and it’s upsetting.
I am very confused by this. He changes his mind all the time over everything. He is from a country with less progressive attitudes to women so perhaps it’s cultural, though he has lived in the UK most of his life.
I have asked if he wants to talk about it but he always says he doesn’t.
A At first glance this might appear to be a legal problem, but I think the reason you have written to me instead is because your husband’s stance is understandably hurtful.
After a long marriage, you now wonder whether he trusts you. That, in turn, makes you question the closeness of your marriage during all those years together.
However, this may not be about trust or the lack of it. As you say, there may well be a cultural element, but I think that partly your husband may feel disempowered, perhaps even a little emasculated.
Growing older often results in a gradual lack of independence – and many people find that difficult.
Your husband already struggles to accept that he has health issues. Perhaps his step back from your business was a reluctant one.
He might be used to judging himself only by his achievements and feel that by giving you power of attorney he is somehow less important (which is not the case).
He may also have reflected on his own mortality and come to believe that relinquishing control would be to acknowledge that he is in the last stage of his life.
I wonder too whether his behaviour, sadly, suggests signs of dementia. It could be worth checking this with his GP.
In order to protect your business, you should also consult a solicitor, so contact resolution.org.uk to find a family law specialist.
If relations between you all are good, you should talk to his children along with your own to explain the situation.
Make it clear that you have no intention of cutting any of them out but stress how difficult it is to run the business. Open discussions will make life easier.
Finally, I wonder why you want to keep working at 78. It could be worth asking whether you too fear letting go of the reins and if it might not be time for a well-deserved retirement.
I THREW MY LIFE AWAY FOR A FLING
Q I had a brief affair with an old boyfriend while married in my 30s. This hurt my husband so much that we couldn’t get past it.
Although we divorced and have both moved on with our lives – he is remarried – I still carry an overwhelming sense of guilt.
I am in my 40s now and the affair happened when our son was about a year old.
The pregnancy wasn’t planned and we were struggling with money. We were stressed and argued a lot – I had become desperately unhappy. I bumped into my old flame by chance in a shop and instantly felt a spark.
I bitterly regret accepting his offer to go for a drink and what then followed. I am now a single mother and feel as though I’ve thrown my life away.
A woman regrets an affair she had in her 30s, which ended her marriage. Now in her 40s and a single mother, she feels like she's thrown her life away (stock image)
A It is so hard to raise young children when you are struggling with money and it can put intolerable stress on a young couple.
Perhaps the fling offered excitement and a break from your unhappy situation. Subconsciously, you might have wanted a way out of your marriage.
However, you clearly realised that the affair was a mistake and you still loved your husband and deeply regretted causing him pain, so it is very sad that you were not able to repair your marriage.
But you can’t punish yourself for ever. Guilt can’t alter the past and going over your actions in your head will only torture you further.
Some of this guilt is partly because you remain unhappy now – your husband has married again, but you sound stuck. This is why you keep dwelling on what might have been.
So please, try to forgive yourself and seek counselling for help in moving forward. Visit relate.org.uk or see your GP.
- If you have a problem, write to Caroline West-Meads at YOU, 9 Derry Street, London W8 5HY, or email c.west-meads@mailonsunday.co.uk. You can follow Caroline on Twitter @Ask_Caroline_
