CAROLINE WEST-MEADS: Why has our daughter severed contact with us?
Q My 33-year-old daughter has stopped communicating with my wife and me, which is causing us both incredible distress. We have tried calling, writing and messaging on social media but she no longer responds. Her last answer said she had some issues to resolve and that we should not bother her until she is ready.
We have supported our daughter financially, emotionally and practically all her life – and through several moves and relocations from one end of the country to the other.
Since returning locally (to study for a doctorate), she has met a young man of whom my wife and I have been very fond. They bought a house together, which I’ve helped them do up. However, an item belonging to her partner got damaged so I took it away for repairs – and he became quite agitated that she was ‘giving his stuff away’. This seems to have caused a rift between us and his responses have become quite curt.
We’ve had some feedback from my wife’s sister (who is often rude to me) that our daughter told her she did not have a happy childhood and that the atmosphere in our family home was not pleasant growing up. Our daughter had everything she needed, yet seems to think I’m at fault. I’m distraught and concerned that there is some sort of control going on. How do I put things right?
A It is devastating when a child withdraws emotionally and I sympathise deeply. Without knowing you all, it is difficult to say whether you have somehow upset her or if the problem lies deeper. Clearly, you are doting parents but self-awareness is crucial here. Perhaps this urge to do everything for her could have become suffocating. She is studying for a doctorate so she is clearly a smart cookie. Would she have been capable of sorting some things out for herself? Could her partner feel as if you are taking his role away?
However, given that meeting the new man seems to have been the catalyst for your daughter’s changed attitude, I can understand your concern. One sign of a controlling partner is if that person starts cutting off the other from family and friends. Has he been criticising or undermining her? Have her friends noticed changes? Perhaps they have seen less of her or noticed that she is withdrawn.
So, to address both possibilities, firstly perhaps send her a letter making clear how much you and your wife love her and that you are sorry if you have caused upset or overstepped the mark. Explain that you are both always there for her. Be careful to avoid blame or self-justification and do not remind her of what you have done for her. I also recommend contacting womensaid.org.uk to discuss your concerns regarding coercive control.
HIS JIBE HAS LEFT ME DEVASTATED
Q Recently in a pub, I bumped into a man I thoroughly dislike who I hadn’t seen for about six years. He was never someone I fancied – always a bit cocky and not a looker – but I knew he used to be interested in me. He told me that in the past he had known I was hoity-toity and had thought that I was too good for him.
But now I was older (I’m 54) and fatter I wasn’t such a catch and that perhaps he had a chance after all. He laughed like a drain and clearly thought he was very funny.
I’m devastated. I know I’ve put on a few pounds with the menopause but I didn’t think I looked that bad. My lovely partner has been very reassuring, but I just keep thinking I look old and fat.
A When I can, I like to see the good in people, but sometimes there’s not much to see! Take as little notice of this awful man’s comments as possible. It is just sour grapes. The person he really fancies is himself and he is just narked that you never considered him to be the gorgeous chap he thinks he is.
So, perhaps with beer-fuelled aggression, he was deliberately trying to put you down in order to make himself feel better. Pathetic.
As to how to address your feelings, please don’t fall into the sad trap of thinking that putting on a few pounds will make you less attractive. Fifty-four is not old, but the ageing process can be difficult because we inevitably change. Acceptance is key. Constantly wishing or striving to look ten or 20 years younger only leads to unhappiness, but we can learn to see that we are attractive for the age we are. Whose opinion do you trust, this odious man’s or your partner’s?
