EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT: Old men with big egos

Didn't Robert De Niro's former PA recently take him to court?

Yes, you've probably heard the back story.

You mean there's a complex legal history to the case?

No, he asked her to scratch his back.

He did what?

Asked her to scratch his back (even after she reminded him that he owned a back scratcher), saying: 'I like the way you do it.'

Creepy.

Exactly what she said in court: one of the many 'toxic' acts that Graham Chase Robinson outlined in her £9.9 million lawsuit against the 80-year-old actor.

Presumably De Niro denied making the request.

Not at all. He didn't see the problem and told the judge that it was only 'once or something'.

The once-or-something defence. Clever.

It got worse (better). The star felt himself so inconvenienced by the proceedings that he informed the Manhattan court: 'I don't have time for this.'

One imagines his legal team advised he dial down the stroppiness.

You'd think so, wouldn't you?

There was more?

When Robinson claimed that her employer saw fit to call her twice when she was at her grandmother's funeral he replied: 'If I did, I did.'

You implied other vintage males are in need of some ego-deflation.

Allow me to direct you to the recent publication of 76-year-old Arnold Schwarzenegger's self-help book.

He's an author?

You sound surprised.

When I think 'Arnie', I don't necessarily think 'words'.

Indeed. Robin Williams once observed that Schwarzenegger had 'less dialogue than any actor, except maybe Lassie'.

So, what does Arnie think qualifies him for this particular role?

He told the BBC: 'People really needed to be motivated and were looking to me for answers.'

Answers to what?

Their psychological problems, one assumes.

Hands up, I'm an over-thinker.

Read the chapter entitled: Shut Your Mouth, Open Your Mind.

And I'm in a career rut.

Arnie's instruction to 'work your ass off' should cover that.

What is this book called?

Be Useful: Seven Tools for Life.

Not Seven Rules for Tools?

Actually, Arnie did introduce the work with a tool: a sword.

I beg your pardon?

When the first batch of books arrived, the actor (with his 22in biceps) was filmed opening the box with the sword from his 1982 movie Conan the Barbarian.

Curiouser and curiouser!

Watched by his pets: a donkey and a pony.

Some might contend he's been famous too long and has completely lost touch with reality.

Wait until you sample the writing.

Go on…

The New Statesman notes a profusion of truly bizarre similes including 'like Viagra for dreams' (how he refers to America) and 'like trying to move inside a set of Russian nesting dolls full of s**t and hair gel' (his description of the fitness world).

Speaking of hair gel, I've heard Gordon Ramsay has also lost the common touch. What happened?

The 57-year-old spoke recently to the podcast High Performance about (what he clearly thought was) a heart-warming tale of buying his first flat.

Didn't the listeners appreciate his financial guidance?

No, because it turned out that the purchase simply involved him selling his Porsche 911.

That must have raised some hackles online.

It did indeed – the sarcasm was practically palpable.

Give me a flavour.

'Extremely moving… Thanks for sharing. Stunning and brave.' Website iNews opined: 'Ramsay's story couldn't have been less relatable if he'd workshopped it with a writers' room full of the world's top satirists.'

Is Ramsay humbled?

Well, if he feels moved to articulate his online battering then Arnie has just the simile (used to describe his last two and a half years in the US Capitol).

Shoot…

'Like being stuck in a clothes dryer with a load of bricks.'