Everyone's talking about: drunken Brits

The UK has come out top for women binge drinking

Please tell me this isn’t going to be a binge-drinking lecture.

Why do you say that?

Because it’s the time of year when you teetotallers start looming over the wine glasses like the ghost of Christmas yet to come.

I’m not looming over the wine glasses.

What are you doing, then?

Looming over the water jug.

Why?

I’m using my water wand.

Your water what?

Wand. It makes the molecules in tap water more ‘coherent’.

It doesn’t appear to have that effect on you. Who said your water was ‘incoherent’?

Analemma – the wand makers. Apparently, it ‘radically changes the state of water by rearranging the H2O molecules into a liquid crystalline structure’. It’s also known as ‘structured’ water (which has more than 29.3k posts on Instagram).

And its main health claim is?

Hang on, I’m checking the website. ‘It opens up the pathways to making your body more connected and more in tune with Nature.’

Which pathways?

Um, you know, the main ones.

Right. How much did it cost?

£133.

And you claim it’s me who is daft around drink.

I’m not blaming you. You are simply the victim of societal pressure.

Says the woman with a £133 dowsing rod in her jug.

It’s not a dowsing rod, it’s a…

I know, wand. To stop your water being demented.

Incoherent.

Whatever. What societal pressure are you on about?

A recent survey by the Organisation for Economic Co-operation and Development compared alcohol consumption across 33 countries.

And?

The UK was top for binge drinking among women – defined as having at least six drinks in a single session.

Anyone else put in a strong performance?

The Danes and the women of Luxembourg. But you might want to dial down that triumphant tone.

Why is that?

Because it’s the sort of thing that has got us banned from visiting Amsterdam. 

The recent ‘stay away’ campaign was aimed at young British men googling ‘Amsterdam pub crawl’. I hardly think I’m the target demographic.

The Dutch authorities haven’t seen you at the wrong end of a bottle of red.

You’re starting to sound preachy again. Just like Alexa.

Pardon?

Scientists predict that in the future, smart speakers such as Alexa and your smartphone will be able to gauge your sobriety.

What a good idea.

I knew you’d say that! It’s just the kind of ‘fun police’ innovation you’d approve of.

These attempts to bait me won’t work, you know. I am like water.

Coherent or incoherent?

I refer you to my previous answer. How will Alexa be conducting these sobriety tests?

By getting you to repeat tongue twisters, apparently.

I see, so the idea is that Peter Piper’s peck of pickled peppers come a cropper before you do.

Something of that nature, yes.

I’m sensing you’re not a fan of the plan.

Correct. I will not be lectured by an algorithm based on how much wood a woodchuck would – or would not – chuck.

I agree that the scientists are missing a trick.

You do? How nice to hear you acknowledging that drinking more than a thimble of wine a week does not equate to moral bankruptcy.

That’s not what I said. I said that the scientists were missing a trick with Alexa.

How so?

All the AI has to do is analyse your most recent music choice and it will know straight away what state you’re in.

Go on…

Well, what do we know about every woman who has ever tottered across a dancefloor to request ‘Hungry Eyes’ from Dirty Dancing?

She’s brimming with hope.

And the contents of the bar.